Pirate Matty’s Pirates vs. Fairies Videos

by Pirate Matty on September 28, 2013

Well you know right now this auckland pirate for hire is looking for fairies, on the hunt, on a quest, a mission you might say, so my next plan may be to return again to youtube for more pirate stories.

So I was excited today to meet the fairy claire, and I was very glad that I did because she has lots of good fairy type qualities.

She has nice teeth. She is polite. She is smart. She knows lots about fairy stuff.

I think she’s quite good because she knows all about fairy stuff and she can turn into a bear. But also you know, she’s not high maintenance. I can imagine some fairies y’know, they want you to be rich. I need a fairy princess who will help ME get rich. She might just do the trick but you know what? Pirate Matty needs a PLAN.

We need a pirate ship. And a crew. And a mission, to get treasure. See? I know my stuff.

Fairies are good at magic, definitely, but not so much being cunning. They like flowers, and magic, ponies, and brushing their hair. Ponies are okay I guess. As long as they don’t bite me. But ponies don’t like pirate ships so you can see it’s not exactly smooth sailing when you fraternise with magical fairies.

What do fairies eat? We’ve got some serious preparation to do.

Where will fairy claire live? She can’t live in my hide out! A grimey pirate lair is no place for a dainty fairy. But I need help building my ship! But what if I neighbours hear her and my neighbours think I have a girlfriend and the police come to my house to arrest me for having girl germs?

Well fairies don’t take much to impress when you’re a cunning and charming pirate captain such as pirate matty of the auckland birthdays trade, I just told her I was going to make her famous, and a famous princess, known throughout the land, and youtube too you know.

Well how else are people going to find out about captain matty’s cool adventures? And make the adventures into a story and then come to your school to do a show and a story for the kids in auckland, and new zealand and in outerspace, because alien kids also need to know about pirate matty’s adventures too, because obviously aliens have trea0s0ure, and lasers and cool holograms, and spaceships so pirate matty could then become a space pirate in space who is known throughout the galaxy and fights luke skywalker and beats up all the ewoks and takes all their treasure.

First we put our funny show on youtube and then we just keep doing that until we’re really awesome and then also telling everyone that we are awesome and will come and help you find treasure and cast magical spells. I will also use my cunning networks of spies, thieves and cutthroats to spread the word that pirate matty is on the rise on the auckland seas once again. And they will know because of our pirate youtube.

What can we put on our pirate youtube channel? pirate videos? Of course!

But, but . . . what kind of pirate videos? Funny pirate and fairy pirate videos! You see I have so many ideas I sort of have to keep brainstorming and going on and taking each part of the story and doing it in as many different funny ways as possible.

I get bored in my garden looking around auckland for where a fairy party might be.


So what ideas have we got that we would definitely like to do?

This is the basic plot for 6-7 2 minute skits.

– Pirate Matty is on a fairy hunt, and he going through the trees looking for fairies saying mean things about them, he cannot see them playing tricks on him.

– Pirate Matty spots a fairy and tries to chase her and net her, but ends up with the net on his head. The fairy is very cross and mean to him and he finally nets her. Now pirate matty is really in trouble!

– The fairy sprinkles her magic dust and suddenly pirate matty is doing all kinds of strange things, slapping himself, barking like a dog, pig, chicken, cow . . . and then she turns him into a fairy!

– Pirate matty has been turned into a fairy! And the cheeky fairy is dressed and acting like she is the pirate!!! Pirate matty is angry and confused but just when decides he likes being a fairy and doesn’t want to be a pirate anymore – and she turns him back!

– pirate matty is begging and crying for the fairy to be nice and grant him a wish. The fairy makes him dance, and sing, and scrub the deck . . . hey that’s my line! Will pirate matty promise to behave and do as he’s told?

– afterhours streetwise pirate matty tries his charm on the fairy, bragging and boasting, but this fairy has heard it all before from big talking pirates

– the fairy agrees to help pirate matty get a ship, but stupid pirates don’t understand magic you can’t just use magic for everything! As they go on their way they have a lot of ideas – what about fairy removal and extermination services? maybe not. What about pirate matty’s dancing and singing school? Maybe not. What about doing birthdays? That would NEVER work. The pirate and the fairy wander off, squabbling.


Just some notes I made to fall back on if we get stuck.


Pirate matty is searching for the fairy with a giant net for catching fairies. but he never sees her standing behind him, possibly dancing.

What you’ve got to know about fairies is that 4 out of 5 doctors agree that fairies have girl germs. You’ve got to be aware of course that girl germs is one of the most serious complications facing young pirates today. The effects of girl germs can be deadly. Being touched by a girl can mean you have been infected with girl germs, and it means that you must love them because you are a boy and they aer a girl and they are, in fact yukky.

If I caught a fairy, I’d wish that it was my birthday everyday. If a fairy was here rigth now I would say “I wish it was my birthday everyday.” and then I would eat cake all day and I would get so fat that instead of attack my enemies I would sit on their head and roll on top of them like a ginormous bowling ball.


Wait what’s that? Is that a fairy?? OMG she is sooooo pretty!! YEAH PRETTY UGLY RIGHT GUYS HAHAHAHA

lots of chase scenes where fairies dance around clumsy pirates trying to catch them.

Are you a fairy? Sassy fairy “what does it look like you smelly pirate”

“Pirate matty if you don’t get this net off me right this instantce i’m going to turn you into a – . . . ”


fairies are very weird, peculiar, strange, crazy, odd,

fairies cast magical spells and this makes them very very dangerous! They can’t be trusted. “Hey pirate matty don’t you think it would be really funny if you just started slapping yourself in the face?”
“No.” *fairy dust*
“Well actually I think slapping myself in the face is an excellent idea and I can’t see why I didn’t do it earlier, thank you, you wonderful, beautiful, amazing fairy. In fact I might start eating my boot now because it’s delicious.”

Fairy turns pirate Matty into a frog/chicken/cow/dog etc. . . . until she thinks what would be worse than turning pirate matty into a cute little fairy!


do you know what these fairies have got me doing now? I got into so much trouble, they turned me into a fairy! Can you believe it! (then have a fairy girl play a pirate) Look, can you just leave me alone? I don’t have any wishes, okay? I just want to prance and sing with my friends the fawns and small creatures of the woodlands.

Fairy: “I’m pirate matty and I’m looking for fairies but I can’t find them because I’m big and dumb and ugly and smelly.”

Matty: “HEY!”


Can you grant me a wish? Say please. do a little dance. scrub the deck.

Why do you deserve a wish pirate matty you’ve been nasty and mean and horrible, why do you deserve a wish?

Whinging cane you pleeeeease just grant me one little wish? I promise I’ll be good! I’ll take you to the pet shop!

Pirate Matty has a temper tantrum. (kids seem to think temper tantrums are hilarious when theyre not the one having them!)


Fairies are a lot of hard work. You may think it’s easy to catch a fairy and make them grant you wishes but it is a lot harder than it looks. They are very sneaky.

fairies are always singing and dancing and laughing and playing, it kind of half drives you mad, they don’t have ANY treasure or cool weapons, lasers, robots, turrets, ships, spaceships, or chocolate, lollies, they dont even have fizzy drinks. All they do is sit on a mushroom all day how boring is that? They are just waiting for a cool, handsome pirate to grant wishes too.

Introducing romantic charming big shot pirate matty . . .

would you have a fairy as your girlfriend? I went out with one once but she turned me into a frog! I had to spend 3 weeks trying to convince the bar wench at the public house to kiss me!

Streetwise pirate matty is trying to impress fairy with tales of himself running the birthday game, the boss of birthdays, all the cake you want, pretty girl. Stick with me.

pirate matty we’re not just going to hand out wishes willy nilly, what kind of pirate are you, you don’t even have a ship!

That’s preposterous of course I have a ship! (pulls ship out of pocket)

– and look at your pirate uniform! it’s time for a fairy makeover!


The fairy has agreed to help pirate matty and they are wandering off together nattering about how they could get a ship.

Fairy removal service. Are fairies into up to strange doings in your garden? Magical, mysterious, strange, peculiar? You need pirate matty the fairy exterminator! Rapid response and removal!

Dancing and Singing lessons with clumsy pirate?

Maybe we will just have to build our own ship . . .


These are just ideas to serve as a loose structure until we’ve got that good flow on improvising, into a groove with more improvised, characterised interactions

I’m happy to go off in any direction I’ve just but some notes and structure down in case we get stuck. My main focus right now is the gags. To me a good half an hour show is a dozen gags the kids will love and then bring in the story and the interactive elements around the funnies.


okay so ive had a change of heart regarding location – i dont think ill be that inspired in my backyard. i reckon if we go for the domain or cornwall park, both are big enough that we will be able to find plenty of spots that are private enough that will spark ideas, and work with the scenes ive got in mind.

Also me being self conscious of what my neighbours will think hearing me yelling about fairies – I don’t want that to impede my performance. I don’t know how you feel but I’m so used to performing with the kids, when the kids aren’t there it will seem a bit strange at first!

But I’ve got lots of great ideas to start off. This is about 6 or 7 x 2 minute clips that will take us from pirate matty hunting down and meeting the fairy on and convincing the fairy to help him on his mission – starting with building his ship.

i dont think we need too much introduction or characterisation – we can do that more later on, i just want to get some short, funny pirate vs. fairy interactions on vid, so we can build around where we’re getting the best laughs. I’m only providing loose structure now so we can build a rapport and within a few sessions be totally improvising.

I tried my fairy costume on myself last night – I barely squeezed in and it looks so silly on me! In one skit you will turn me into a fairy and I think this will be great, it would work really well in a show too for easy laughs and lots of follow on jokes as I start deciding being a fairy isn’t so bad after all.

have you got an email I can send you these notes on these skits? I’m thinking sunday oct 13 right now if that works for you.


Auckland Pirate’s Fairy Hunt Continues

by Pirate Matty on September 21, 2013

Okay so good old pirate matty is back in action okay? I decided since I really am committing to new adventures for Pirate Matty is was time to show my face on this blog, so that my long time supporters know that Pirate Matty again stirs, restless for adventure.

The days are too long and boring as long as adventure awaits beyond the horizon. We must go in search, form a band of brave buccaneers who thirst to venture forth and face any foe!

I still am looking for fairies. Why would I do such a thing? Do you think me so foolish that I am in love with a stupid dumb fairy? No, because fairies are magic, like I explained before, and sometimes it’s just easier to take a short cut and find somebody who can help you out. Who else better to help us out than a magical fairy?

I need motivation, okay? It’s not easy to get up and seek adventure by sailing over the horizon, that’s why most people don’t do it, because it’s scary and you never know what might be happening that is not known of. It’s all very well to sail about with a bunch of smelly bloodthirsty.

So which fairies have we got in our sights? Katharine, Rose and Claire?

Well I don’t know about those other two, they’re sophisticated ladies but I don’t think they know any magic and stapling a pair of wings on them wouldn’t prove otherwise, but claire is a proper fairy and she likes to dance.

I must meet with her at once. Whatever will I say?

Well I need a wish. And I need some treasure. And some birthday cake would be yummy too. And lots of lollies. And chocolate. And toys. And a rollercoaster.

Look I’ve got a plan okay?

First we become famous on youtube with funny videos. I had lots of ideas you know for all the funny videos we could do I might just keep coming up with new ones!

I was even thinking we could film in the cafe having our business meeting regarding my strategies to increase the annual intake of birthday cake and chocolate and lollies. Explaining how I need to get famous on youtube, then I should have enough ideas for what to do so I can go around schools and towns and whatever and they will pay me to turn up and do my show with a fairy. And once we’re good we can go all sorts of places.

But we need to have videos on youtube where we’re funny first.

What’s funny? Well I have to find the fairies, and then I have to catch them so they can grant me wishes – but then fairies are magical and dangerous and they might do weird tricks and cast weird spells.

But fairies can help me with everything I need to know and do so I can set off on an auckland pirate adventure! With a ship! And a pirate crew! An all star cast of characters, because we want to come to your auckland pirate birthday and eat all your cake! That’s what Auckland children’s entertainers out for a buck because we’re hungry and have no treasure do.

So my fairies will help me building my ship and sailing off to recruit my pirate crew and avail myself of the unique services of auckland pirate matty,

So there will probably be sharks, and we have to pull together as a crew to show team work, but we also need to find the treasure, and for that we need a pirate’s treasure map – so there’s all your favourite bits of a pirate story to be worked in there. But how does the pirate story end?

Any good story needs a great ending. Maybe that’s just something I will have to think about.


Did I post up my video I did on youtube of me how I’m an awesome pirate and I’m looking for fairies? Oh no? Well here we go then . . .

Ahoy it’s pirate matty!

I just wanted to update all the fairies and let them know that I have done a special video just for them!

I have had tonnes of fairies writing to me, but I want to meet them and find out if they’ve really got the magic!

I totally improvised and did this in 1 take because I really wanted to give it a natural feel of exactly how I would interact with the kids.

Can you imagine I did this pirate video in 1 take?

I had this rough script, I read it once, and then just went and did the video in one take!

Pirate Matty stumbles into shot:

“Ssssh! You’ve got to be very quiet! Have you seen any fairies around here by any chance? What’s that you say? Know you not that the pirate matty is a expert master of fairy catching?

Look at my net!

I sniff them out with my fairy smelling nose!

I know where they are hiding . . .

I hear their little fairies voices giggling like little schoolgirls . . .

I just know I’m going to catch a fairy in this garden today like . . . gotcha!

(pirate matty ends up with the net over his head)

and do you know what?

When I catch my very own fairy, I’m going to make her grant me a wish! That’s how it works! That’s right, fairies are magical, and mysterious and they concoct all manner of sorcerous trickery conjuring your wildest desire from thin air!

what would you wish for?

I would wish for it to be my birthday every day so I could eat birthday cake every day and eat so much cake every day and instead of pirate matty they’ll call me pirate fatty and I’ll come and sit on your head!

But only because I really like Birthday cake, and I really like birthdays!

Have you got a birthday coming up?

Have you got fairies in your garden? Can I come and have a look? Just a smalll look! To check! I mean, fairies can be very dangerous! They’ll trick you! They will! You have to watch your back!

Just let me know okay – email pirate matty at kurbpromo@gmail.com or call 027 684 8250 for pirate matty’s birthday special – $175 for an hour anywhere in auckland!!!


A recording of the disney pirates of the carribean show which I can um steal, no i mean “draw inspiration” from on my auckland pirate adventures!!!

You can see how this captain sparrow character involves the audience will be interesting to get some cool dynamics going on there but yknow theyre not that much fun, they’re just actors, I reckon I could totally get some exciting for real pirate stuff going on!